then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
