drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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