If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
