Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize