I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
