so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
