Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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