she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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