please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
