Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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