awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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