found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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