How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
