you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
