I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize