Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
