Don't make out with my wife yet
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
it's like heaven, but drunker
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
