I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
