....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
