I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize