My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is wine microwaveable?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
