my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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