I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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