Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
