Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
