i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
You smell like stripper and shame
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
