I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
