Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
