we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
