what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
