I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
