I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
