it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
