Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
