How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
