in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
