Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
