What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we should paint friendship bongs
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
