I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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