if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
