moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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