Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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