Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
