Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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