Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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