You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
