fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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