My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
