Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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