You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
