We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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