im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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