i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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