omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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