my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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