Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
