This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
