Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
