I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize