I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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