Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
