I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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