went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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