Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She just used a chaser for red wine.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
